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“Local party animal released back into the wild”

December 13th, 2006 by Tim Grove

After a two days of non-mediated litigation, one Brooklyn woman released her “Party animal” boyfriend back into the wild. With one week of house arrest and two days of plea bargaining behind him, Timmy Nachimson walked out of a Brooklyn apartment a free man on Friday. He said,” It feels good to once again spread my wings and fly, and since it’s friday night I think I’ll fly over to a bar or something.”

It all started when her boyfriend came home intoxicated and without the salmon steaks he had promised her he would bring home for dinner. He said, “She just snapped.” She claims she was just letting him know, “What’s up.” Either way, what ensued was a week-long “Pissing Contest” that will forever be known as “Pride Week.” With his girlfriend’s complaints being too complicated for him to even want to deal with, Timmy Nachimson went on what many would call a “Bender.” Even though Timmy’s girlfriend openly criticizes his practice of mid-week drinking, Timmy was quoted as saying,” I really don’t care. I’m going to do what I’m going to do, and if that means me getting a little juiced up before the big fight, then oh well”.

Many heated arguments occurred when the “Beer-Breathed” boyfriend finally came home. Always emptyhanded and most of the time empty-headed, He usually had nothing to say except that he always lets her know just how stressful his job and life really is. He also added,”I bought myself some beers.” And “If someone buys you a beer, you don’t turn it down. That’s rude”. Three days into the long arguments and girlfriend’s massive mood swings, Timmy simply shut down. Surrendering to his girlfriend’s constant rants, Timmy just quit listening. “I quit listening until I realized she was quoting song lyrics for her comebacks and the reasons why she felt the liberty to give me such hell.”

After five days of continuous fighting, Timmy Nachimson pleaded “No Contest,” to 4 counts of excessive drinking and failing to come home at a decent hour. The charge of not bringing home salmon steaks was later dropped. He was sentenced by his girlfriend to two weeks of house arrest. With only one week served, Timmy was released back into the wild early on Friday. Timmy’s girlfriend says good behavior prompted his early release. Since their “Big talk,” the relationship has been day to day, but Timmy’s girlfriend thinks he’s learned his lesson. She also believes she has officially “Changed him”. When Timmy heard about this so called “Changing,” through a mutual friend, he was seen running into his favorite bar telling everyone inside quote,” The only thing she’s changed is how much more beer I’m going to drink.” With the fighting showing no signs of stopping, Timmy “The Party Animal,” will almost surely see captivity again soon.

Delta Airlines to emerge from bankruptcy, announcing plans to fold space.

September 21st, 2006 by Tim Grove

Delta Airlines, like many other airlines, has had their fair share of financial hardship. The nation’s third largest carrier has seen record losses in the past few years, forcing them to file for bankruptcy protection in the state of New York last September. With fast-rising fuel costs, ongoing threats of walkouts by pilots, and the low air fares offered by other carriers, Delta has had to take drastic measures just to stay operational.

With their long list of award-winning failures, Delta has shown the world how not to run an airline. Facing such financial hardship, the airline has way too often thrown caution to the wind. Launching such bad ideas as, “Delta Express,” “Comair,” and my personal favorite,”Song.” With shareholders and the general public scratching their heads, nobody seems to know where this once great airline is going. CEO Gerald Grinstein likened their present situation to, “Placing your forehead to the butt end of a baseball bat, spinning around it about twenty times, and then running in any direction”. I think what Mr. Grinstein is telling us is that our guess is as good as his.

With all this in mind, Delta has once again shocked the world when yesterday they announced their plans to fold space. “Delta Inter-Stellar,” the brainchild of present CEO Gerald Grinstein, will be the first airline to push the limits of quantum physics. Setting out to make the impossible possible, Grinstein and a handful of Florida State University physicists hope to pave the new celestial highway. By applying the, “Superstring Theory,” the group plans to retro-fit Delta’s excisting fleet of aircraft with Alcubierre warp drives. The details of how they will surround the aircraft with the enormous amounts of negative energy or “Anti-matter” required to form the wormhole itself has yet to be determined, but they hope to have a plan together by early fall.

It would seem that with the huge price tag that comes with celestial travel, Delta would try instead to stay at home and fix what has already been broken, but “nobody ever changed the world by following all the rules,” said Grinstein. He added, “This will be the legacy I leave.” With the price of warp drives and anti-matter being out of this world the idea seems impracticle, but Grinstein believes that a market exists for people who want to get “There” right now. The opportunity for Delta to take the theoretical and make it practicle is all too alluring to them. The idea that once again Delta has an golden opportunity to use up what resources it still has for one more shot in the dark is just too good for them to pass up on. Maybe ruin and disaster caused by a series of bad decisions will be the real legacy that Gerald Grinstein will leave us. Let us hope not.