The Bachelor Party
Produced by John DiDonna
Starring Paul Castaneda
July 27 and 28, 2012
Various Locations in Winter Park and Orlando, Fl
Phase 1 – The Expensive Steak Place
It’s in a repurposed mall and maybe you’ve been in for an anniversary or birthday. The waitresses flirt while the waiters look like bouncers. Waiters in a steak joint always look like bouncers, those investment bankers can get pretty rowdy. The drinks are strong, and the only Olympic sport worth watching (beach volley ball) is on the ubiquitous flat screen TV. Twelve of us show up, one short of the Last Supper – a few actors, some producers, and an actual banker. Gathered for one of those critically embarrassing steps in life, people compare ex-wives. There are a lot of them shadowing this group but the mood is upbeat – only one of us is getting hitched this time, although one bright young face offers he will take the plunge in a few months. We make off color jokes. As dinner wraps up, the room gets loud. The debate seems to range around Batman – who was the best? Personally, I’m an Adam West fan, but no point in getting into religious debates after drinking. We move out the parking lot and a quick trip to a dive bar on Mills. We look snazzy, but it’s July in Orlando. What sane person would make his friends wear a suit?
Phase 2 – The Dive Bar
“Let’s make like a fetus and head out.” “I have this great idea for a play. It’s called ‘Frankly Speaking.’ It’s just one long curtain speech.” “Get your cock off my shoulder.” “Has anyone seen ‘Resident Anal?’ ” “He’s such douche nozzle on Face book.” “Sorry, dude. You’re just a bunch of mutants.” “His name was like 14 consonants and the chemical symbol for Boron.” “It’s interestingly gay…” “Rita Moreno is a closet Latina” “It’s like Adam’s hair and (someone’s) tits!”
All of these statements are true. All of them made some sort of sense at the time. That time has passed.
Phase Three – Hookers and Blow
This is the part of the evening when the real debauchery occurs. Or so it is assumed by the opposing bachelorette party. But I can assure them that nothing untoward occurred. We chatted, sipped Asti Spumanti and discussed Middle English Literature and its relevance to a modern post-technical society. True, a few young ladies took their clothes of, but never violated any sort of Orange County nudity audience. A few tips were given, a few taken, and the consensus was that Milton and Chaucer are relevant to the entire process of hubba, hubba, and hubba.
Lights down, sound up, lights back up, and bows.
See you next week at the main event.
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