Well. Mr. “I’m with the Lama” is apparently in a heap of trouble for showering Bollywood superstar with inappropriate affection, in public, fer Krishna’s sake. There’s a warrant out for him in India, but he’s out of the country, so we’ll have to wait to see him answer to his misdeeds. In the meantime, I’m keeping a list. Let’s start with Pretty Woman.

In a move reminiscent of Kazakhstan’s thrashing about in response to Borat, the nation of Iran who millennia ago were responsible for sending hordes of masked Arabian ninjas, an armored rhinoceros, and more, all at the command of their ten-foot-tall transvestite god-king Xerxes, is claiming that 300 insults their ancient culture. Maybe they should take a page from Kazakhstan’s playbook and meet with Prez Bush about it, I’m sure he’ll lend a sympathetic ear.

Nobody understands the value of bad publicity better than Sascha Baron-Cohen, known now as Ali G, of the eponymous show on HBO, and soon to be recognizable as Borat, as his film Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazahkstan is due to hit screens shortly.

In short, Cohen plays Borat, an enthusiastic reporter from the Central Asian nation of Kazakhstan, whose wide-eyed appreciation of the wonders of America skewer both Americans and their notions of foreign nations in a single stroke. Unfortunately, the government of Kazakhstan is literally besides itself in outrage, purchasing full-page ads in major newspapers and screaming for face time with Bush in order to denounce this horrific attack on their Progressive And Not At All Anti-Semitic country. Borat has deftly turned their efforts into a Bad PR masterstroke.

The bottom line? I’d suggest they sign over their marketing budget to Cohen, except it wouldn’t go nearly as far for him in his hands.

“Screech!”

That’s usually what you hear right after someone gets a Dirty Sanchez. Only very rarely (very rarely, one hopes) is it also the name of the perpetrator — in this case, Dustin Diamond, once famed nerd of the Saved By The Bell gang, now relegated to recipient of internet petition welfare and possible ruination through the release of a steamy Sex Tape containing him, two girls and a well-oiled meerkat. Scratch the meerkat, I was daydreaming.

Even Diamond’s agent understands the value of this fortuitous Bad PR: “I’ve heard rumors. Dustin has been trying to escape the Screech typecast. So this may help me get more bookings.” Especially once you see Dustin’s Cajun Hot Stick.

Let’s hear it for Kid Rock, who is keeping his perspective regarding his very own sextape scandal: “What perfect timing,” Rock told The Associated Press in an interview Wednesday. “I got a record coming up … Maybe I should thank [sextape cameraman/Creed yowler Scott Stapp].”

Bonus: He goes on to call Stapp an “idiot.”

Wouldn’t you? Apparently, fashion designer/red carpet newb Isaac Mizrahi gratuitously fondled Scarlett’s pneumatic attachments in a fit of couture-related curiousity. Or so he says.

Iranians love Danish pastries, but now when they look for the flaky dessert at the bakery they have to ask for “Roses of the Prophet Muhammad.”

Seriously folks, this has got to stop. Next up: ’80s Flock of Seagulls hit “I Ran” to be renamed “Pointy-Haired Dude Song.”

To me, this is on par with Kaufman’s 20-year disappearance/reappearance gag, proof that there are people able to warp the fabric of reality into something flimsier than a soap bubble.

Anyway, that’s long way of saying that some robot waggishly dubbed “Phillip K Dick” (Phil to his minders), has gone missing. Anyone familiar with Dick’s work — and his omnipresent influence — will relish the thought of an androidically, ahem, head-androidically replica PKD striking out on its own.

Hat tip to David Lee Beowulf

The hottest item in Gaza this week could be a little hard to find. Thank Allah for free enterprise.

Oooo! Careful children, for if you consume the fabled Absinthe, who knows what could happen!? You could pass out in a cruise ship corridor! You could call your new wife names! She in turn might kick you in the nuts! You would double over in pain! And finally, you could disappear! Beware this potent green drink, for it will make you do things you would never ever do if you were like, drunk on beer.