Ready the lawyers for a broadside! “Royal Biographer” Andrew Morton looks at the life of His Shortness Tom Cruise in his latest opus, the poorly-researched (according to Tom’s lawyers) and poorly-titled (according to me, and soon you) book, Tom Cruise: An Unauthorised Biography. According to this no-doubt gripping exercise in biography from a distance, Cruise is the Church of Scientology’s “second in command”, second only to some guy with an unpronounceable name, who accompanied Cruise and Holmes on their honeymoon. Perhaps he is the only one Clear enough to operate Tom’s netherparts. Hooray for dirt!