Bad PR

Cruise Control

hcm — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 17:22:00 +0000

Ready the lawyers for a broadside! “Royal Biographer” Andrew Morton looks at the life of His Shortness Tom Cruise in his latest opus, the poorly-researched (according to Tom’s lawyers) and poorly-titled (according to me, and soon you) book, Tom Cruise: An Unauthorised Biography. According to this no-doubt gripping exercise in biography from a distance, Cruise is the Church of Scientology’s “second in command”, second only to some guy with an unpronounceable name, who accompanied Cruise and Holmes on their honeymoon. Perhaps he is the only one Clear enough to operate Tom’s netherparts. Hooray for dirt!

Duuuuh! Woooops! Heeeheheheeee!

hcm — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 20:52:59 +0000

Expect these and many more to be added to the comic book sound effects lexicon as Stan Lee takes on Paris Hilton. While I would much rather prefer that she be portrayed as a supervillain — or perhaps a supervillain’s bumbling assistant — Stan The Man is quite taken by our dashing young lady. See? Comics do rot your brain.

In the War between Formats…

hcm — Tue, 21 Aug 2007 14:03:16 +0000

…there can only be one winner. That is, unless it’s something that keeps Michael Bay from making a movie. Then everybody wins!

Coldplay Leads To Coldviolence

hcm — Mon, 13 Aug 2007 19:17:04 +0000

Nobody saw this coming, but everyone empathizes, I’m sure.Â Lindsey Lawrence, supremely inebriated and presumably up to here with all the drunker-than-Lindsey-Lohan references,Â took offense at some dude’s crooning of “Yellow” and used the opportunity to deck him. Usually, I obey the unwritten code of the media and do my best to leave karaoke gone wrong unreported, but Coldplay? Didn’t they get eaten by piranhas?

The end is here. Finally.

hcm — Mon, 30 Jul 2007 17:53:57 +0000

Do you remember that pounding sound, Paris? The one that stopped today? Yeah, that was the last nail in your coffin. It was fun while it lasted, thanks for all the great material. Who’s next?

Paris is out — or is she?

hcm — Fri, 08 Jun 2007 17:33:21 +0000

That tricksy debutante! Before I even had a chance to report that she was released early due to “medical reasons,” the interwebs are reporting that she’s been ordered to return to court, and the sheriff who let her go has some splainin’ to do, maybe even some contemptin’ of court to answer to.

i can has dikshunary?

hcm — Fri, 01 Jun 2007 22:28:25 +0000

The 2008 presidential race could actually be fun, if this real-life LOLcandidate image is any indication.

Sudan threatens to make world flat

hcm — Fri, 01 Jun 2007 15:42:34 +0000

In response to the threat of economic sanctions from the US should it not do something about this Darfur campaign issue, Sudanese Ambassador to the U.S. John Ukec Lueth Ukec has claimed that his country will cease exports of gum arabica should these sanctions come to pass. Brandishing a plastic bottle of Coke above his head, the otherwise-dignitary explained that this emulsifier is responsible for all our soft drink fizziness, so we better consider things carefully here.

Where does Angus meat comes from?

hcm — Mon, 28 May 2007 14:44:40 +0000

There’s no Jack In The Box in Florida, which is a shame, because I’d love to have seen their innuendo-full ads asking just what part of the cow their competitors’ Angus beef comes from. The folks at CKE Restaurants, parent company of Hardee’s and Carl Jr’s, are not amused, as they recognize and pronounce the G in Angus, thank you very much, and are hauling Jackie into court. “They’re not being funny,” CKE chief executive Andrew F. Puzder said Friday. “They need to stop misleading people about what Angus beef is.” You tell ‘em, precariously-named executive.

Dr. Martens Campaign Gets Stinkier

hcm — Thu, 24 May 2007 17:30:17 +0000

I almost posted about the furor over the dead punk rockers wearing Dr. Martens boots campaign yesterday (hat tip to Charley), but it seemed to be lacking a punchline. My instincts were right, as today it’s been disclosed that the responsible agency has been fired. That’s right, Saatchi + Saatchi– you’re taking the fall! In further attempts to distance themselves from the pseudo-fracas, Dr. Martens has provided a quite disingenuous explanation, only adding to the general Bad PR hilarity.