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Lawsuits of the Damned

Not even Hell would take these cases.

Sweatshop-Free Cock Socks

January 8th, 2008 by hcm

It may not be on American Apparel’s catalog yet, but it appears on a deposition for a sexual harassment suit: “[AA founder Dov] Charney had a meeting with [the plaintiff] wearing only a cock sock, invited her to masturbate and fired her when she said she would be talking to a lawyer.” That’s class, Dov.

That’s what I like about… Sue!

November 26th, 2007 by admin

I’m on the plaintiff’s side on this one — The Romantics are suing Activision, publishers of the Guitar Hero series. Apparently, Activision paid the fee for recording a cover, but was perhaps a tad too faithful in executing. The resulting “What I Like About You” is apparently indistinguishable from the band’s original! That’s cheesy, and the band is not pleased. As The Romantics’ Wally Palmer said in an affidavit, “I was very upset because the band had worked very hard over many years to develop and use its distinctive sound.” Spit take!

We Have a Winner!

September 18th, 2007 by hcm

Folks, when we started Lawsuits of the Damned, we didn’t expect to find someone so willing to be literal about this. State Senator Ernie Chambers (from Nebraska) has filed suit against God, for “making and continuing to make terroristic threats of grave harm to innumerable persons, including constituents of Plaintiff who Plaintiff has the duty to represent.” While one may argue that it’s downright impossible to serve God with papers, Chambers had brilliantly side-stepped this technicality via the defendant’s claims of “omniscience.” Look it up, kids.

No Cheese is $10M Extra

August 13th, 2007 by hcm

The nerve of these barely-functional — and appropriately-paid — McDonald’s drones! Despite Mr. Jackson’s repeated pleas to “hold the cheese” on his quattah-poundah, those slobs failed to do so. Now he wants a cool ten mill for the horrible allergic reaction he had while chomping down on the toxic burger in a darkened home theater. My advice to people with severe food allergies: Don’t eat at McDonald’s. Try Hardee’s, they could use the publicity.

The Great Legal Prison Escape

July 19th, 2007 by hcm

You know, it took a story like this to bring me out of slack. Here we have four inmates, plotting a brilliant escape plan. In summary, the four men copyrighted their names, then used mafiaa tactics to seize the warden’s property and demand release in exchange. They would have gotten away with it too, except the lawyer they hired to handle their intellectual property claim turned out to be an undercover cop.

Caste me down!

June 1st, 2007 by hcm

This is how complicated India is: the Gujjars are asking that their caste (who traditionally raise livestock)
be downgraded a couple of notches. It seems the Indian government allows subsidies and benefits to members of the lowest castes, and our Gujjar buddies are currently stuck in an onerous “disadvantaged but not terribly so” category. There’s 10 million of them in Rajasthan alone, where some thousands of them have been demonstrating their furor.

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t

May 8th, 2007 by hcm

Mr. Brandrick was told some terrible news by his doctors. He had pancreatic cancer, and had one year to live. Deciding to make lemonade out of lemons, our brave victim decided to cash out and live it up while he still could. Then the doctors gave him even more terrible news: it was a misdiagnosis.

Piratism rampant in education!

April 30th, 2007 by hcm

Stacy Snyder wanted to be a teacher. She didn’t expect those pictures she posted to MySpace to come back and haunt her like drunken pirates. Now she wants her teaching degree and at least $75K in damages. Arrr, Stacy!

The $65 Million Pants

April 26th, 2007 by hcm

Who can outdo a lawyer at filing a Lawsuit of the Damned? A judge, it would seem. Judge Roy Pearson, angry at dry cleaning family the Chungs, over the loss of his favoritest gray wool pants, has put in for $65M in damages and whatnot. The suit asks, among other things, to cover the costs of leasing a car every weekend, as Pearson doesn’t have one and he must now take his dry-cleaning to an outfit that isn’t within walking distance.

And then He turned belchgas into perfume…

April 9th, 2007 by hcm

Pardon the sacrilege, but Coca Cola suing filmmakers who show Jesus drinking a Coke… it’s maddening. Who wouldn’t kill for product placement like this? Perhaps the folks at Pepsi might be more amenable to holy thirst-quenching.