Yes, it’s about time for a snowball lawsuit. Somehow, the fact that the alleged launcher was in a Hummer, on a snowball-flinging spree, makes me root for neither side.

From Germany, land of lederhosen and giant beer tankards, comes quite the unexpected problem. It seems Rico Gabel’s previously lustful Gustav lost his get-up-and-go for a period of six months, resulting in the loss of fourteen adorable little ostrichlets. At fault are the pyrotechnic antics of a couple of local teens, who are now being charged with responsibility for Herr Gabel’s (and Gustav’s) loss.

Poor Mr. Duplessis. Apparently, he signed a waiver that excused a Chicago tattoo parlor from everything, including spelling errors. “Tattoo remediation procedures” weren’t enough, and now Duplessis wants some compensation for emotional distress and such. Bonus points: after having “Chi-Tonw” emblazoned on his skin, the parlor went back and modified the waiver to reflect the hip new spelling.

“The ruffian must have heard my bell!” So claims Dr. Dlugi in his lawsuit against an 11-year-old skater who he startled into collision while riding his bike. The well-known (if not well-respected) reproductive endocrinologist claims lost wages and loss of his good wanking arm as part of the damages. Good on you, Dr.! These girls are exactly the type that go on into sleepover abuse. This kind of thing needs to be nipped in the bud.