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Objective Tinnitus

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Bobby “Boris” Pickett: 1938 – 2007

Thursday, April 26th, 2007

Bobby “Boris” Pickett died today at the senseless age of 69. The culprit? Leukemia. Leucrappia, if you ask me.

Pickett, of course, wrote and recorded “Monster Mash,” the ultimate Halloween anthem and, in my opinion, mankind’s second greatest achievement (the first being Van Halen’s “Hot For Teacher”). I mean, come on – with one singular Boris Karloff impression, Bobby Pickett gave birth to goth, black metal, and horror rap. These are truths that cannot be denied.

I saw Bobby “Boris” Pickett once, in concert. He was the surprise guest at the Gluecifer show I attended in October of 2005. Suddenly, between bands, this old codger sauntered out on stage in a lab coat. It wasn’t immediately clear what was happening; was this the Vincent Price resurrection as foretold by the prophets? Before I could shit a brick, the fossil spoke:

“Every year they drag me out to sing this song,” he said, or something like that. I still had no idea what was going on. After some more stage patter (including a hilarious dig at Elvis I wish I could remember), the “Mash” began and it all made sense. Bobby “Boris” Pickett, in the house at the Gluecfier show. I’m guessing there wasn’t much to talk about backstage – they don’t have Halloween in Norway, and they don’t have Gluecifer at the retirement home.

But I kid the recently deceased mother of all one hit wonders. You did humanity proud, Bobby. If not for you, Marilyn Manson would have no career. I bet that gets you the cloud of your choice with optional Anna Nicole angel. Enjoy it.

I’m Not Sure What This Is, But It’s Funnier Than Anything Else In The World Right Now

Thursday, April 12th, 2007

Can you explain this?

Polka Floyd

Tuesday, April 10th, 2007

Everyone’s e-mailing me about this Polka Floyd nonsense. Don’t get me wrong, I love it when accordian bands go viral as much as the next guy, but I don’t think there’s a damn thing in the world that will ever make the music of Pink Floyd appealing to me. Overblown 1970s druggie concept rock will never have a place in my heart (or my butt, for that matter). G.G. Allin could rise from the grave and perform The Wall in its entirety with the cast of “Sesame Street” and I’d still puke up a Cosby kid. Sorry, Polka Floyd. You should have done Ozzy tunes and called yourselves Welk Sabbath.

Deadboy: No Aardvarking, But Still Good

Friday, April 6th, 2007

The more I listen to that Fratellis CD, the more I like it. Clearly my transformation into Hillary Duff is almost complete. The other new obsession: Deadboy & the Elephantmen. This Dan Riggs guy and his “friends” get their testosterock on by way of the greatest mid-nineties radio rock band that never existed (I swear I haven’t gotten high today, your honor). Jim Bob says check it out.

I Knew There Was a Reason I Stayed Up This Late

Wednesday, April 4th, 2007

Guy in a pizza costume playing Guitar Hero
Guy in a raccoon costume playing Guitar Hero
Little girl in a witch costume playing real guitar

Dear Alanis

Wednesday, April 4th, 2007

I applaud you for this. Finally, someone is giving “Weird Al” a run for his money. The Yank’s gonna have to scramble pretty hard to get food on the table now that you’re in the novelty game. You go, you Canadian former child star/Dave Coulier fellator! You show everyone who’s boss! Can’t wait for your next track. Maybe you could “Alanisfy” a Fallout Boy song!

Love always,

JG2

Appetite for Irritating Washed-Up, Botoxed Rockers

Monday, April 2nd, 2007

Do you think Axl Rose would sue me if I changed my name to Chinese Democracy? I think he would, and that would obviously lead to the greatest court outburst of all-time:

“Objection! Your honor, the plaintiff’s name is an anagram for oral sex!”

Party Killers

Wednesday, March 28th, 2007

From some strange Calypso blog comes an awesome collection of guaranteed party killers, songs so bad they’ll turn any roof-poppin’ pajama jammy-jam into a goddamn Scottish funeral (don’t ask me what that means). There’s upwards of thirty tunes in this unprecedented collection, including a Spanish version of “They’re Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-ha,” a Norwegian version of the song Tim Curry sings in Rocky Horror, and “Wang Dang Taffy Apple Tango” by Pat Boone. The only down side is that it’s one hour long MP3 file. Sucky, yes, but where else are you going to get all these stone cold shindig stoppers? Currently, nowhere.

Rollins Band Can Make Any Situation Unnecessarily Intense

Wednesday, March 28th, 2007

And you thought chewing bubble gum/drawing Milhouse could never be exciting. Hey Henry, what would you say if I told you people on YouTube were using your music to score their three minute videos of the most inane, boring, and pointless crap? Well, I’d say, “ALLLLRIIIIIGHT!!”

Black Fag’s Liberace Morris

Tuesday, March 27th, 2007

As a supplement to my Glenn Hamzinger interview, here’s a brief chat with Liberace Morris. Lib is the singer for Black Fag, the gay-themed Black Flag tribute band. Seriously, what’s next – an amputee Circle Jerks send up?

How do you think the gay community views former Black Flag singer Henry Rollins? They seem to embrace him, although something seems to be preventing Hank from reaching full-blown icon status. Is he too non-traditional for most gays?

Henry has worked hard all his life to stay in gay shape, so for that alone I think he is respected. All the haters are just jealous bitches! Get over yourselves, girls.

Don’t you find it a tad uncomfortable performing in hot, stuffy clubs in a smoking jacket and ascot?

Fashion before comfort, honey! And I never let ’em see me sweat. I just let ’em see me “glisten.”

What’s your favorite Black Flag song and why? If you can’t pick one, I will allow you to pick one of their albums – but you still have to explain why! Similarly, what’s your favorite Black FAG song and why?

I would have to say “Jealous Again” is my favorite Flag song, because it was honored by G.L.A.A.D. as the Gayest Song Ever Written at their last awards banquet. My favorite Black Fag song is probably “T.V. Party” because we put so much work into it in the studio to make it as fabulous as possible. See what I mean by picking up a copy of our full-length CD at Interpunk.com!

I can’t help but notice what appears to be two different drummers in the photos on your Myspace profile. What’s up with that? Which one is Robo Simmons already?

Oh you little troublemaker! Fine, I’ll come clean. Black Fag has a rotating lineup due to the fact that cat fights break out more often than Robo’s case of herpes (Me-ow!). Robo Simmons isn’t really a person, he’s a state of mind.

Your recordings simulate Black Flag’s original sound extremely well. Are you using the same equipment they used or is it all post-production trickery?

It’s all fairy dust and mirrors, sweetheart. Thank you for noticing, though! It was more difficult trying to get those recordings JUST right than it was trying to follow Emeril’s recipe for cold lemon souffle!

Any plans to play New Jersey now that they’re allowing civil unions?

We’re very proud of Jersey for finally growing a pair and doing the right thing! But they’re going to need to step up their musical theatre scene and their fashion sense if they ever want to see us at the Stone Pony.

Thanks to Lib for setting aside the time to chat.