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Objective Tinnitus

I can’t hear you over that whistling sound.

Archive for March, 2007

Party Killers

Wednesday, March 28th, 2007

From some strange Calypso blog comes an awesome collection of guaranteed party killers, songs so bad they’ll turn any roof-poppin’ pajama jammy-jam into a goddamn Scottish funeral (don’t ask me what that means). There’s upwards of thirty tunes in this unprecedented collection, including a Spanish version of “They’re Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-ha,” a Norwegian version of the song Tim Curry sings in Rocky Horror, and “Wang Dang Taffy Apple Tango” by Pat Boone. The only down side is that it’s one hour long MP3 file. Sucky, yes, but where else are you going to get all these stone cold shindig stoppers? Currently, nowhere.

Rollins Band Can Make Any Situation Unnecessarily Intense

Wednesday, March 28th, 2007

And you thought chewing bubble gum/drawing Milhouse could never be exciting. Hey Henry, what would you say if I told you people on YouTube were using your music to score their three minute videos of the most inane, boring, and pointless crap? Well, I’d say, “ALLLLRIIIIIGHT!!”

Black Fag’s Liberace Morris

Tuesday, March 27th, 2007

As a supplement to my Glenn Hamzinger interview, here’s a brief chat with Liberace Morris. Lib is the singer for Black Fag, the gay-themed Black Flag tribute band. Seriously, what’s next – an amputee Circle Jerks send up?

How do you think the gay community views former Black Flag singer Henry Rollins? They seem to embrace him, although something seems to be preventing Hank from reaching full-blown icon status. Is he too non-traditional for most gays?

Henry has worked hard all his life to stay in gay shape, so for that alone I think he is respected. All the haters are just jealous bitches! Get over yourselves, girls.

Don’t you find it a tad uncomfortable performing in hot, stuffy clubs in a smoking jacket and ascot?

Fashion before comfort, honey! And I never let ’em see me sweat. I just let ’em see me “glisten.”

What’s your favorite Black Flag song and why? If you can’t pick one, I will allow you to pick one of their albums – but you still have to explain why! Similarly, what’s your favorite Black FAG song and why?

I would have to say “Jealous Again” is my favorite Flag song, because it was honored by G.L.A.A.D. as the Gayest Song Ever Written at their last awards banquet. My favorite Black Fag song is probably “T.V. Party” because we put so much work into it in the studio to make it as fabulous as possible. See what I mean by picking up a copy of our full-length CD at Interpunk.com!

I can’t help but notice what appears to be two different drummers in the photos on your Myspace profile. What’s up with that? Which one is Robo Simmons already?

Oh you little troublemaker! Fine, I’ll come clean. Black Fag has a rotating lineup due to the fact that cat fights break out more often than Robo’s case of herpes (Me-ow!). Robo Simmons isn’t really a person, he’s a state of mind.

Your recordings simulate Black Flag’s original sound extremely well. Are you using the same equipment they used or is it all post-production trickery?

It’s all fairy dust and mirrors, sweetheart. Thank you for noticing, though! It was more difficult trying to get those recordings JUST right than it was trying to follow Emeril’s recipe for cold lemon souffle!

Any plans to play New Jersey now that they’re allowing civil unions?

We’re very proud of Jersey for finally growing a pair and doing the right thing! But they’re going to need to step up their musical theatre scene and their fashion sense if they ever want to see us at the Stone Pony.

Thanks to Lib for setting aside the time to chat.

Björk Was Disco

Monday, March 26th, 2007

Check out the disco record Björk made when she was twelve. Supposedly it went platinum in Iceland. That’s believable. It’s not exactly Gloria Gaynor, but it gets the job done (in a Euro-hippie way). I’d rock it at a party.

The Burrito Paul is Dead

Saturday, March 24th, 2007

Here’s a follow-up to my post about restaurant music: I was ordering lunch at Moe’s Southwest Grille the other day, and I noticed that a Beatles song on their ceiling radio was immediately followed by George Harrison’s “Got My Mind Set on You.” Finding this odd, I remarked upon it, which spurned my lunchmates (Robert and James Dastoli, good friends and keepers of a $100 plus Moe’s gift card) to inform me of a rumor they heard that Moe’s only plays songs by deceased musicians. Intrigued, I tried very hard to pay attention to every song that came on thereafter, which was quite difficult as the three of us got into an intense discussion about closed theme park attractions once we got our cutely-named burritos and sat down.

I managed to perk my ears up during a few conversation lulls, and I soon got the sneaking suspicion that not every artist I was hearing was dead; indeed, Wikipedia later confirmed for me that the Moe’s radio system does not follow a strict “no pulse” rule. They occasionally slip in the still-living. I knew it; I swear to the Almighty Black Jesus I heard Harry Connick, Jr. that day, and I know his ass is far from dead. I also think I heard some contemporary band covering a Doors song, which, if Moe’s was adhering to a dead-people-only format, would totally be cheating.

Stay tuned for further restaurant music discoveries right here on the “I Eat Out Too Often” channel.

Hey, This is a Rock n’ Roll Museum!

Thursday, March 22nd, 2007

Calvert DeForest died on Monday. You may remember him as Larry “Bud” Melman from “Late Night with David Letterman.” You may also remember him from this totally awesome Run-D.M.C. video. Best security guard ever. Rest in peace, you beautiful little gnome.

Let’s Talk and Talk and Talk and Talk About What’s On My iTunes

Monday, March 19th, 2007

In lieu of anything original or entertaining, here’s me putting my iTunes on shuffle and reacting to the hilarious results!

“That Neutron Taste” by the Bleach Boys

Obnoxious punk dipshit welcomes mushroom clouds and other man-made horrors. Has a boogie-woogie flavor to it. Pales in comparison to their other “hit” I have, “Stocking Clad Nazi Death Squad Bitches.”

“Baying at the Moon” by Zacherley

You know Zacherley, right? The famous horror host? This is from his much-ballyhooed album, Spook Along with Zacherley. Here he’s crooning about werewolves. His singing voice is kind of like Howard Stern’s impression of Fred Gwyne. Yes, that good.

“Detachable Penis” by King Missile

The song my girlfriend loves to hate. Probably the last truly great stupid novelty song. That guitar soloing every few bars is destroying my synapses, I can feel it. Thank you, Cousin Kevin, for not switching the radio when this came on all those years ago.

“I Don’t Wanna Hear It” by Minor Threat

I heard a funny story recently about Minor Threat singer Ian MacKaye. Supposedly he called Danzig re: the release of Legacy of Brutality to thank him for putting it out. Danzig responded by saying something like, “Who the fuck are you? Why do you think I care?” I imagine a “how did you get this number?” was also in there somewhere. See how I just avoided talking about what Minor Threat and this song in particular means to me? Goddamn, I’m Mr. Greased Lightenin’ ovah heah.

“Hark! The Herald Angels Sing” by Mirror Image

A disco version of the Christmas classic. Is there anything more unnecessary? I don’t know, but my ass can’t stop moving when that guitar starts going, “wickachukkawickachukkawickachukka…”

“My Card Says Typhoon Killer” by Gluecifer

I have no idea what the hell the title of this song means. Maybe “typhoon killer” is Norwegian slang for bad-ass. I can see myself riding a motorcycle to this song. One of those really big ones, with the handlebars out to China. A bandana around my head would not be optional.

“Jurassic Park Theme” by John Williams

Remember when Jurassic Park was the biggest thing in the goddamn world? I was fourteen when it came out, saw it in the theater, and I don’t mind telling you those dinosaurs scared me shitless. I think JW’s theme captures the majesty of seeing Laura Dern next to some gargantuan brontosaurus. I remember hearing on the radio a few days after seeing the film the first official Jurassic Park II rumors. Of course, we wouldn’t get our Lost World until 1997. In the meantime, I listened to this music on a dubbed cassette from my friend Josh over and over and over again until I couldn’t stop crying. Not really, but I did listen to it a lot.

Recent Acquisitions

Saturday, March 17th, 2007

The Blood – False Gestures For A Devious Public: I think it’s supposed to be boot-stomping, stein-smashing bully boy oi, but it’s more in the vein of low-rent Damned (think anything Scabies or Sensible sang). Plenty of fist-pumping choruses, yes, but not enough frenzy to warrant clocking the hooligan next to you. Me teef stay in me head anothah day.

Heart Attack – The Last War: 1980 – 84: This disc offers up everything Jesse Malin’s first band ever recorded. I picked it up last weekend at that palace of agoraphobia, the Virgin Megastore. Jesse’s proclivity for pop shines through twenty-some odd tracks of thin punk din; it’s clear he was destined for something beyond the CBGBs hardcore matinee. Hard to tell if “Everybody Wants to Rock and Roll” and “KGB” are parodies or not. I guess I don’t really care (not at this age, anyway). This ain’t exactly Reagan Youth, but it’s probably worth a slot in your mighty NYHC CD tower.

Motörhead – Bomber: Was this really their follow-up to Overkill? Thank God Ace of Spade was next. I’m sorry, Lemmy, my first impression is weak. Maybe it’ll grow on me, but I don’t know if I can set aside that kind of time. I have road trips to take that demand butt-ripping, snot-drying, cock-popping, whores-at-the-gates-of-hell rock. Bomber just ain’t got enough. Pound for pound, it’s more hangin’-out-at-Wendy’s-after-midnight rock.

Leonard Nimoy – The Way I Feel: Originally released in 1968 (and downloaded from some truly obnoxious blog not even worthy of linkage). Spock turns “If I Had a Hammer” out like a thirteen year old prostitute on the Lower East Side. “Where It’s At” is the complete opposite of the Beck hit – modest, insightful, and lacking robot voices. Of course, there’s plenty of uncomfortable crap, such as the sticky opener “I’d Love Making Love to You,” but that’s par for the course and you know it. On the whole, it makes for great background pap, which is something Shatner’s oeuvre will never be able to say for itself.

Static Cling

Thursday, March 15th, 2007

Earlier today I was cruising YouTube for various “Gong Show” clips and I came across this brilliance. The band’s name is Static Cling. I get the feeling they were a joke, but if they weren’t, I demand more info on them from all you crusty old punk rockers out there.

The Fratellis R Good Enough

Thursday, March 15th, 2007

A review of Costello Music, the debut album from the Fratellis:

This band (which is apparently not named after the villainous gang from The Goonies, or so they claim) was awarded the highly-coveted “Best New Bum Band in Britain” award by Brit music rag the NME last August, so it was only a matter of time before their ultra-hip unwashed act washed up on our shores. Honestly, I’m surprised it took this long. Compared to the Arctic Monkeys, the Fratellis are moving about as fast as Chester Copperpot.

No matter, though. These guys have got the goods; Costello Music is bursting at the seams with charismatic, high-powered pop rock, the kind teenage girls love bopping along to while driving to retail shoe outlets. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn this CD was adapted from a hit Broadway musical; each song is a show-stopper unto itself. From the histrionic ho-down of “Creeping Up The Backstairs” to the dive-bombing trumpets of “Cuntry Boys & City Girls” to the Jolson-eque call of “rock a honey, rock a honey, woo woo!” in “Vince the Lovable Stoner” – the whole album conjures up mental images of hunky young men dashing across a stage, all vying for the love of one elusive, quirky ingénue (perhaps played by Joely Fisher, assuming she can still pass for nineteen).

Of course, this could be the Fratellis’ downfall; they may be too cute for their own good. That’s the number one killer of bands like this. Aim for the college crowd (who tend to burn out real fast on hip rock), land middle schoolers (who don’t know the meaning of the word “overkill”). How many of your friends’ kids like/used to like Jet? I rest my case. In this sense, the Frats (I sincerely hope I am the first to coin this adorable shortening of their name) had better watch out. They’ve got a boatload of peppy songs about misadventures with girls and an iPod commercial already under their belt. How long will it before they’re opening for the sinking ship that is Oasis (the grandfathers of the post-grunge British Invasion)?

Perhaps I’m jumping the gun on these three rumpled Scotsman. Although it would be foolish to predict a long, fruitful career a la fellow iPod rockers U2, the Fratellis do seem to have enough synergy to truffle shuffle themselves over at least two more albums. If they keep up the fresh approach to songwriting and hold off on a “Saturday Night Live” appearance until most of America has finished downloading Costello Music, they should escape that treacherous “flavor of the month” tag.

Oh, and come clean about The Goonies connection, will you, boys? The elusive name origin game is soooo 1992. No one’s asking you to adopt Sloth as your mascot or take Corey Feldman out on tour with you (actually, that would probably keep him out of a lot of trouble). Just be honest and America will love you that much more.