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Objective Tinnitus

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Archive for April, 2007

Bobby “Boris” Pickett: 1938 – 2007

Thursday, April 26th, 2007

Bobby “Boris” Pickett died today at the senseless age of 69. The culprit? Leukemia. Leucrappia, if you ask me.

Pickett, of course, wrote and recorded “Monster Mash,” the ultimate Halloween anthem and, in my opinion, mankind’s second greatest achievement (the first being Van Halen’s “Hot For Teacher”). I mean, come on – with one singular Boris Karloff impression, Bobby Pickett gave birth to goth, black metal, and horror rap. These are truths that cannot be denied.

I saw Bobby “Boris” Pickett once, in concert. He was the surprise guest at the Gluecifer show I attended in October of 2005. Suddenly, between bands, this old codger sauntered out on stage in a lab coat. It wasn’t immediately clear what was happening; was this the Vincent Price resurrection as foretold by the prophets? Before I could shit a brick, the fossil spoke:

“Every year they drag me out to sing this song,” he said, or something like that. I still had no idea what was going on. After some more stage patter (including a hilarious dig at Elvis I wish I could remember), the “Mash” began and it all made sense. Bobby “Boris” Pickett, in the house at the Gluecfier show. I’m guessing there wasn’t much to talk about backstage – they don’t have Halloween in Norway, and they don’t have Gluecifer at the retirement home.

But I kid the recently deceased mother of all one hit wonders. You did humanity proud, Bobby. If not for you, Marilyn Manson would have no career. I bet that gets you the cloud of your choice with optional Anna Nicole angel. Enjoy it.

I’m Not Sure What This Is, But It’s Funnier Than Anything Else In The World Right Now

Thursday, April 12th, 2007

Can you explain this?

Polka Floyd

Tuesday, April 10th, 2007

Everyone’s e-mailing me about this Polka Floyd nonsense. Don’t get me wrong, I love it when accordian bands go viral as much as the next guy, but I don’t think there’s a damn thing in the world that will ever make the music of Pink Floyd appealing to me. Overblown 1970s druggie concept rock will never have a place in my heart (or my butt, for that matter). G.G. Allin could rise from the grave and perform The Wall in its entirety with the cast of “Sesame Street” and I’d still puke up a Cosby kid. Sorry, Polka Floyd. You should have done Ozzy tunes and called yourselves Welk Sabbath.

Deadboy: No Aardvarking, But Still Good

Friday, April 6th, 2007

The more I listen to that Fratellis CD, the more I like it. Clearly my transformation into Hillary Duff is almost complete. The other new obsession: Deadboy & the Elephantmen. This Dan Riggs guy and his “friends” get their testosterock on by way of the greatest mid-nineties radio rock band that never existed (I swear I haven’t gotten high today, your honor). Jim Bob says check it out.

I Knew There Was a Reason I Stayed Up This Late

Wednesday, April 4th, 2007

Guy in a pizza costume playing Guitar Hero
Guy in a raccoon costume playing Guitar Hero
Little girl in a witch costume playing real guitar

Dear Alanis

Wednesday, April 4th, 2007

I applaud you for this. Finally, someone is giving “Weird Al” a run for his money. The Yank’s gonna have to scramble pretty hard to get food on the table now that you’re in the novelty game. You go, you Canadian former child star/Dave Coulier fellator! You show everyone who’s boss! Can’t wait for your next track. Maybe you could “Alanisfy” a Fallout Boy song!

Love always,


Appetite for Irritating Washed-Up, Botoxed Rockers

Monday, April 2nd, 2007

Do you think Axl Rose would sue me if I changed my name to Chinese Democracy? I think he would, and that would obviously lead to the greatest court outburst of all-time:

“Objection! Your honor, the plaintiff’s name is an anagram for oral sex!”