This whole episode is about the Corey’s and their failed attempts to quit smoking.  I had thought that Feldman was a new non smoker just like his wife, but alas he’s been sneaking smokes behind both of their backs.  Haim busts him and they say that they are going to quit but just can’t seem to.  Having been there, I know that feeling but ….  The Mrs. catches them smoking and finds ways for them to quit, one being a hypnotist. They both walk out of the guys office and light up.

Her next idea is a sweat lodge with an Indian.  Brilliant. You just know that this is going to be worth the watch.  They go there, and it’s basically a blue tarp over some blankets.  They go in there with the Indian guide who honestly, looks like an Italian butcher, and they start asking for help with the smoking.  It turns into the Corey’s having an emotionfest in the steam, telling each other the crappy things they did to each other and how bad they felt.  While they are in there, verbally stroking each other, the Mrs. is out with her girlfriends getting a little tipsy and playing pool.  The Corey’s come home to an empty house and the co-dependant Feldman is getting worried because his Mrs. wouldn’t leave without a note and wouldn’t stay out this late.  (They can’t wipe their own asses without the other one, I am finding out throughout this show. )  She’s tipsy, he takes her upstairs after a few jokes about taking advantage of the drunk girl, and the Feldman’s are off.

And Haim…. goes outside and lights up.

Yup, you read it right- Lost Boys.  During this episode Haim is constantly saying how they need to write the sequel and do it fast while there is so much interest in the movie. I swear he must bring it up 10 times in 10 minutes.

They are having a 20th anniversary screening for the Lost Boys and of course, the Coreys will be there.  The guy that played one of the Frog Brothers was there too but that’s it.  No Kiefer Sutherland, no Alex Winters,Jami Gertz, no Jason Patrick, no Edward Hermann- nope just the singular Frog and the 2 Coreys.  Sad, huh? But of course there are a zillion people to see this thing, and participate in the 20 year celebration of a mediocre movie.  Haim is pissed because Feldman’s wife is there, and she wrote her name on the movie poster. I can’t say I blame him for that one, after all, the ho wasn’t in the movie…she wasn’t even around then so she really needed to take that step back and let her husband do his job without her.   That should have been the Corey’s moment without her gleaning the spotlight.

The biggest heartbreak of the episode was watching Haim’s pain when he found out that there was a Lost Boys 2 and they were doing it without the Coreys.  He says he’s going for a walk and you can just see the pain and desperation on his face.  I thought he was going to fall off the wagon here and get high again but turns out he didn’t.  You aren’t sure if this traumatic moment is going to kick him in to high gear to move forward positively or set him way back into the dark years.

The Mrs. gets a photo shoot in this magazine for FHM’s Sexiest Housewives.  She does look cute but the best part is that in one shot, she’s laying on a desk, and underneath her are all these different pictures of Feldman throughout the years, and there seems to be a few Haim pictures in there. Feldman notices and cracks the hell up.

There was a storybook ending to this episode though, Haim is out walking, the Feldman’s are worried about him because of his state of mind and he comes back with a gorgeous present. Says it’s a late wedding gift and a thank you for all their support.   It was a nice gesture but I can’t wait for the next outburst.  The fighting needs to commence, I hate to say it, but that’s what we are watching this for!

Doc Ali’s assignments for this week are for Scott to visit an ex named Sheila and talk with her about parenting, spend some time in a preschool and meet Renee’s daughter.  Can ya feel the trauma coming?

Scott finally runs into a brick wall with one of his ex’s. Sheila harbors some ill will and talks total crap to him. She makes him wait outside for her, she rolls her eyes, dismisses everything he says and you can just feel the ugly rolling off her.  She flat out tells him that he shouldn’t get married and have kids.  She doesn’t think that him having kids is a good idea.  Apparently, when they were shagging, he just showed up one day with Pamela Anderson and that’s how she knew she was a goner.  Not exactly a smooth move there, Mr. Baio.

He hits the preschool that Doc Ali sets up for him and honestly, I don’t think he does too badly there.  He isn’t horrible with the kids but you can tell he doesn’t have a lot of experience with kids of this age.  I think in time, he’d be just fine.

He takes his chumps to Costco to buy a present for Renee’s daughter. Not exactly where I would have told him to go and he ends up getting her some convection oven/microwave thing because she’s 17 and going off to college next year.  I think the kid would have preferred an IPod or something…. I mean, really…kitchen appliances? For the first meeting of a 17 year old girl of the woman you are dating?

At Renee’s place, Scott seems genuinely thrilled to be seeing Renee at all.  He tries to sneak a little nookie but, Renee isn’t playing that when her daughter is going to walk in any moment.   He takes the daughter shopping - which is a much better idea than a toaster oven thing - and while they are in a store, some teenage cassanova comes over and starts flirting.  It’s pretty funny to see Scott’s guard go up as he eyes the kid with total recognition. He knows the kid’s game since he was the master at it.  I think that little bit of protectiveness was a good thing and perhaps, God help me for saying it, Scott might be growing up.   The daughter puts him on the spot a few times with questions about infidelity, marriage and warnings not to hurt her mom.  Scott says as he drops her off, that if he married Renee it would be like having Doc Ali for a stepdaughter…and that wouldn’t be so bad.

The teaser for the next episode involves midgets, pajamas and backrubs. Oh, yeah…

Oh, help me, I can’t stop laughing! Seriously, this 90’s bar whore thinks he’s the master? I remember in the 90’s hanging in the bars and seeing dudes like him trolling.  I mean the goggles on the head, the furry hats, the shoulder length Eddie Vedder hair, the paisley silky shirts first 3 buttons open with the obligatory crucifix. Reminds me of this guy who shall remain nameless (his initials are G.M.) in the clubs in Orlando back in the day.  The only women that are falling for this guys lines are the total club chicks–daddy issues and all.

The premise for the current VH1 beautiful disaster is that Mystery, the greatest pick-up artist, has these 8 guys, that are total nerdballs.  He’s going to teach them his secrets of seduction. Of course, he’s going to eliminate them one by one until there is one left..the one who he will give the title “Master Pick-Up Artist”.

Thanks VH1 for another useless piece of shit show that I can’t stop watching.

The Motocross episode, yeah, I did say Motocross.  Now what could be more fun than watching these bimbos attempt to ride dirt bikes? Well, a good old fashioned catfight, that’s what.   The 12 girls left are kicking into high gear, all puns intended, to win dates with Bret.  In teams of 4, the girls have a dirt bike relay race for a date with Bret.  The winning team at least wasn’t the real ho bag team so that’s the bonus.

Back at the house, the war between Lacey and Dallas has heat up to the boiling point. Lacey’s strategy is to get Dallas to hit her so she’ll get tossed out of the house.  Lacey is a real whack job.  After Dallas’ animal skin fashion show, Lacey just loses it and starts to push all Dallas’ buttons. Finally on the stairs, Lacey won’t get off of Dallas. She is planted 2 inches from her at every move.  Rodeo just comes in from behind and tosses Lacey in some weird wrestling lock move.  The best quote of the show was Rodeo’s.  “I may be a southern lady, but I manhandled that bitch.”

The dates all go rather well, as well as dates with 2 chicks at a time can go.  Rodeo warns Bret about Lacey and the incident at the house.  Sam is reserved at first but then starts talking about sex and makes Magdalena feel a little third wheel.

Dallas and Kristia don’t get backstage passes this time out so we are down to 10 lovely ladies (and I use that term wayyyy loosely).  Dallas, who is obviously pissed that she didn’t make it through, walks straight out the door without a word to Bret.  Lacey starts with the comments about Dallas having no respect and no class.   Lacey ….stirring up the shit until the last possible second, huh?

This week Scott has a chat with old castmate and platonic friend, Nicole Eggert.  Turns out there IS a blonde in Hollywood that he hasn’t tagged.  Whudda Thunk It?  She’s relaying to him how easy it has been for him to get women and since it’s been so easy, he’s had no reason to stay faithful or get serious with anyone.  Back in the day, Scott would use the Playboy mag as a catalog- according to Nicole, he and Willie Aames would pick them out and they’d show up days later.  Wow, if only I could do that…  I do have my LIST, ya know.

Doc Ali has the idea of sending Scott to a matchmaking service so that he can meet his perfect woman for him regardless of her looks.  But all with the idea that there is no such thing as a perfect woman..ahh, the old ‘Confuse ‘Em’ trick…. got it.  The matchmakers are 2 Russian women, a mother and daughter team who say that they have set up a gaggle of happy marriages and only a few divorces.  They take Scott’s ideas of the perfect woman and find him the perfect woman, which at the end of the episode he has dinner with but spends the whole time nitpicking her to death in his head.

Johnny V. the friend like a virulent case of herpes, has a bet against Scott’s celibacy.  While all his friends are betting with each other over it, Johnny is rather serious about it.  In order to ensure Scott’s failure, he hires a stripper to ‘deliver a pizza’ during their boys poker game.  For a minute there, it looked as if Johnny V. was going to win this bet because Scott took her by the hand, in midst lapdance  and took her in the back of the house and shut the door.  Johnny could taste victory but what he didn’t know is that Scott handed her $200, gathered her clothes and sent her on her way.  Scott was actually really angry that Johnny V. set him up like that.

Scott has forgone the poon trap twice in this one episode…quite impressive Scott, I must admit.  On the next show, Renee’s daughter, who is 17, comes to town and meets Scott. Doc Ali thinks it’s a great idea for him to meet with her if there is any chance of him marrying Renee.  The daughter looks to be a little spitfire and delivers the standard warning to Scott, ‘Don’t hurt my Mom’.  Nice.

Is this concept really a good idea to begin with? Hell yeah it is! Put two volatile former addicted child stars in a house, one a slob, one who is a little anal retentive, toss in one uppity wife, stir it up and this is just what you end up with.  It is so full of opportunities for conflict that it’s like shooting fish in a barrel.  Right from the get go, you know it’s coming.  Haim has a big chip on his shoulder and a devil may care attitude.  He’s disrespectful and you can see that he’s resentful about Feldman finding sobriety, a wife and happiness when he can’t.   Feldman has toned his lifestyle down about 100 notches, he’s worked hard to be a better person, to stabilize his life and get his career back in gear.  The Mrs, well, she’s the Mrs.  and we all know what that means.  You can see she’s a little worried that Haim is going to reel her big fish right back to those crazy years and she has good reason to worry.  Haim is obviously charismatic and seems to have a big place is Feldman’s life.

During the first epi -Haim tracks mud on the carpets, leaves ice cream on the bed, puts out cigarettes in glasses and smoked in their house. Feldman and the Mrs. have the PETA Campaign person, Nicole over for dinner to discuss some of their causes and how the Feldmans can help.  Haim is instantly flirting with her and slagging their cause and lifestyle.  He even orders a pizza which shows up while they are at the dinner table.  The look of disappointment and embarrassment on the Mrs.  face is unmistakable.  But you have to think that she knows this stuff is going to happen, she’s had him stay with them before with disastrous results.  After dinner, Haim gets Nicole out by the jacuzzi and invites himself over to dinner as is he’s doing her a favor.  Aww, too bad Haim, Nicole has a boyfriend.  The Mrs. is crying in the kitchen over that saying that Haim is cheapening the reason that Nicole is there and all the work they are trying to do.  But like all henpecked husbands, Feldman smoothes it all over once again ..until the next episode of course.

In this weeks charming episode, Scott hits the comedy club to apologize to yet another ex of his, Julie McCullough, the girl from Growing Pains. She’s an ex Playmate, now she’s a stand up comic, using Scott and their failed past as the meat of her act. She shames him right out of the room and then they chat it up after she’s done.  The best line EVER was uttered…Julie says to him, “I had my first AIDS test because of you.  That’s how much you cheated on me.”  Loved it, the horror on his face was priceless.

He then goes to Palm Beach with his buddies and there are some eager bachelorettes there.  What happens next is the biggest shocker ever.   Baio goes in his room and doesn’t come out.  Can you believe it? No nookie for Scott. Johnny V tries his hardest to get a little action but the party winds up as soon as the bachelorettes realize that Scott isn’t coming out to play.  You really get a glimpse of what Johnny’s life in Scott’s shadow has been like. Poor bastard.

From the network that brings me my Denis Leary fix, comes a legal drama that makes Boston Legal look like a lightweight comedy. (oh wait, for the most part it is)   Glenn Close starring as a bitch of a lawyer.  Glenn Close…in a TV show. Wow. I wasn’t sure how that one was going to play out but this is one serious show.  Tate Donovan as her faithful sidekick isn’t hurting either.

The newest associate, Ellen (played by Rose Byrne) in Hewes and Associates is first seen running through the streets covered in blood and wearing panties and a trenchcoat.  That’s how this show opens…. so, you can see this is no walk in the park and certainly no laugh track will be heard.  As the episode goes on, you aren’t sure which side of the fence Glenn’s character, Patty Hewes, is on.  You get the feeling that everyone around her has the unfortunate luck of becoming a casualty in the war.  Deeper in, you get a better glimpse of what Patty is fighting against, and shock, it’s Ted Danson. Sam Malone in the flesh but instead of hound dog Sam,he’s a rather creepy guy named Arthur.  Again, they have him riding that line throughout the episode, you aren’t sure if he’s the bad guy or not. I love that the characters aren’t set in stone, they grow, they move, they change.  It certainly keeps this show moving and the plots fluid.  They have 13 episodes planned right now, hopefully this one will keep up the pace and keep us watching.  After the demise of my beloved Studio 60, I was beginning to think that there was no more ’smart TV’.

The most recent offering of Bret and crew doesn’t disappoint in the same rubbernecking way as most of the Celebreality shows on VH1. Who doesn’t want to see these crazy women fighting over some guy they don’t even really know and chances are won’t even like!? It’s just for the chance to say they bedded Bret Michaels, which 15 years ago might have been a big deal. Frankly, he’s not doing himself a favor with this show, most of these women are just trashy and rather skanky. There are a few that I think would actually be girlfriend material but it then makes me wonder why they would be on a show like this? Faith, one who went home last night, just seemed like your average nice girl. Well, if your average girl has a degree in Chemistry. No spandex, no whore hair, no implants, just a nice girl. When she was walking out she did say for the cameras that she was too good for Bret and yeah…I think so too.

They have separated themselves into two camps, the self proclaimed “A-Team” and “Varsity Squad” and those are the most trashy, most stripper-like, party girls. Making out with each other, drinking in the morning, clothes that a stripper would envy (and not an exotic dancer mind you, just a stripper) and the class of a trailer park resident. Heather is the ‘captain’ of the squad and frequently winds everyone up and works the stripper pole.(because every rock star house has one, right?) Lacey, with her fake dyed burgundy hair and her lip ring, is just the meanest in the house. Quite often you can hear her say how she’s going to get these bitches out one by one so she can have her man with a psychotic grin on her face. And the Barbie Twins, Brandi and Kristia, who have the combined IQ of 100 and those fake squeaky voices that men fall for and women cringe at. These women speak of Bret as the prize, as their man…. perhaps they deserve him.

The other group, are the more intelligent and less catty of the bunch. Jes, is young, she’s a cosmetologist and refuses to pander for Bret or the cameras. Magdelena, the 6′3″ Pole who was once in the Navy. Erin, the honors college grad with very big, very fake Jordan Price boobs. While Erin looks like she should be in the A-Team, she’s much too smart for that. Dallas, the princess of the bunch, is totally on a mission to ruin Lacey’s day. She taunts her about wearing animals and eating meat much to Lacey, the PETA members chagrin. Lacey seriously wants to take Dallas out, and it’s hysterical to watch. It’s plain to see that Dallas is LOVIN’ the reactions. She told Lacey, ‘If there was an animal in here, I’d slit it’s throat’ . Whether or not she means it…it’s brilliant TV to see the steam coming from Lacey’s ears while Dallas sits there calmly and sweetly smiles.

The nights little task was phone sex, yeah…that’s right. They hooked some machine up to Bret’s ….member… to measure blood flow. Is there really such a thing? Then each girl had to talk to him on the phone while he was in another room, some of them where just down right nasty and some were very reserved and could have been talking to their mothers. The 3 who instigated the most flow, got to go on a date with Bret. The date was to a recording studio to add vocals (or moaning as the case might be) to one of his tracks. Lacey, who is a musician, was over the moon about it and I’m sure that’s her only reason for being there. Rodeo, the formerly paralyzed personal trainer- who is more manly than Bret, thought she deserved a Grammy for her performance and Erin, who was very upfront in her lack of musical talent, just moaned and talked dirty.

These are some hardcore bitches, and it’s fun to watch. There is no real value of this show, but who cares!? I’m just waiting for the drunken bitch catfights, because I know it’s gonna happen. It’s LCD TV- Lowest Common Denominator….and it’s entertaining as hell.